Sunday, May 31, 2009
May is a tough month personally
Some who have been following me since the beginning already know why May is extremely tough for me so I apologize if this seems like I am repeated myself every year! :)
I lost my first son years ago on May 17th and some birthdays are tougher than others. I have a routine on that day, which is to pick out flowers for the cemetery. I pick out 2 hanging plants, and I pick out flats of flowers (typically pansies) to plant in his planter near the stone. I always get too many, so I started planting the extras outside my window every year. In a crazy way, it just feels nice to have some connection with him.
Last year, as you can read from my old blog, I was at peace with everything that had happened because I know have a new tradition of celebrating life.
2 years ago, while delivering Evan, I stopped breathing. I had an "amniotic fluid embolism" which caused me to go into DIC and cardiac arrest. They performed an emergency c-section while trying to resuscitate me. After nearly 45 mins. later and about 25 units of blood, I was back. They didn't think I would make it through the night. After making through the night, they thought I would never recover and may suffer from major brain damage.
I was in the ICU for some time in a drug induced coma (so my body could heal). Every day they would wake me and see where I was at. Finally, after a couple weeks, I started talking although I could not remember anything. I was soon moved back to the maternity floor and they kept Evan in the hospital so he could be near me. Eventually I started remembering who everyone was and I received some physical therapy that got me up and walking. Needless to say, I had tons of doctors stop by to see how I could possibly be still alive, and walking and talking!
So, May 21st is Evan's birthday and the day I celebrate being alive. Last year I was more at peace with it, but this year was difficult for some reason. I am very thankful to still be here, but I often question why I was saved and not the mother before me?
Anyways, I am working through it. I keep busy with work and the kids. I wanted to share this with my new readers, not because I am fishing for sympathy, but because I want to share my story and hopefully may inspire you to enjoy life more :)