Some who have been following me since the beginning already know why May is extremely tough for me so I apologize if this seems like I am repeated myself every year! :)
I lost my first son years ago on May 17th and some birthdays are tougher than others. I have a routine on that day, which is to pick out flowers for the cemetery. I pick out 2 hanging plants, and I pick out flats of flowers (typically pansies) to plant in his planter near the stone. I always get too many, so I started planting the extras outside my window every year. In a crazy way, it just feels nice to have some connection with him.
Last year, as you can read from my old blog, I was at peace with everything that had happened because I know have a new tradition of celebrating life.
2 years ago, while delivering Evan, I stopped breathing. I had an "amniotic fluid embolism" which caused me to go into DIC and cardiac arrest. They performed an emergency c-section while trying to resuscitate me. After nearly 45 mins. later and about 25 units of blood, I was back. They didn't think I would make it through the night. After making through the night, they thought I would never recover and may suffer from major brain damage.
I was in the ICU for some time in a drug induced coma (so my body could heal). Every day they would wake me and see where I was at. Finally, after a couple weeks, I started talking although I could not remember anything. I was soon moved back to the maternity floor and they kept Evan in the hospital so he could be near me. Eventually I started remembering who everyone was and I received some physical therapy that got me up and walking. Needless to say, I had tons of doctors stop by to see how I could possibly be still alive, and walking and talking!
So, May 21st is Evan's birthday and the day I celebrate being alive. Last year I was more at peace with it, but this year was difficult for some reason. I am very thankful to still be here, but I often question why I was saved and not the mother before me?
Anyways, I am working through it. I keep busy with work and the kids. I wanted to share this with my new readers, not because I am fishing for sympathy, but because I want to share my story and hopefully may inspire you to enjoy life more :)
Your strength is so evident, I admire you & your story greatly.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs & uplifting thoughts on your hardest days.
You are an absolutely amazing woman...It's not what you go through...but how you go through it...or as my mom has always told me...I just try to remember...like when I was going through Cancer...or when I lost my baby in March...that there is a bigger plan in all of this...I may not understand it...but It's there...know we are here for you....to listen...and be your comfort....and It's totally okay....
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support ladies :) I am so grateful to have this outlet and connect with great mamas!
ReplyDeleteNoah's mommy(why don't I know your real name by now?) I am so sorry. I wish we didn't have this in common, but you have my email if you ever need to chat and get those mad, sad, confused emotions out :)
thank you so much for sharing. You are an amazing woman to survive all of that and be optimistic and carry on with life. God clearly has a purpose for keeping you here and for being with your two babies.
ReplyDelete