Monday, May 21, 2012
I was dead 5 years ago today....
We didn't want to hold off any longer getting pregnant with a little brother or sister for Dylan and even though the thought had crossed our minds to take a break from trying so I wouldn't deliver in May, I decided that if I did end up giving birth close to Anthony's birthday, it would be okay. I was at peace with it. Anthony, my first son, was born on May 17 and passed away on May 18 from a rare genetic disorder, Trisomy 18.
So, when I started having contractions a couple weeks early with Evan, I was okay with it. It was May 20th. My sis came to pick up Dylan and everything was going as planned (as planned as possible anyways). My husband walked my family out and when he came back, I complained I couldn't breathe and then I was out. Of course I don't remember any of this, but Adam refused to leave my side as they called the code, started compressions, started pumping me with blood, all while delivering Evan. He was resuscitated and brought to the NICU. The continued chest compressions on me for about 45 minutes until I was stable enough for the ICU. I was in a coma.
The first night was hell for my family as they were told I most likely would probably not make it through the night and that Adam should start making funeral arrangements. Well, I survived the first night and the prognosis changed to "may not walk or talk." It turned out, that I suffered an "Amniotic Fluid Embolism." A rare condition that has a mortality rate of 80% in women who suffer from it.
The nurse would attempt to wake me everyday to see where I was at. My brain and body was just resting! I woke up almost 2 weeks later able to talk to doctors but could not remember being pregnant, or the last year for that matter. When my sister brought Dylan in to see me, I thought he was huge because to me he was a year younger! =)
After some time in physical therapy, I begged to go home. When I finally got home, I remember feeling so lost and confused. I had this newborn and everything seemed so difficult! Talking even seemed difficult! Because of the loss of oxygen to my brain I was diagnosed with "Anoxic Brain Damage." I looked and sounded somewhat I normal I guess but my brain takes longer to process certain information. For example, I knew that a fork was used to eat with, but could not think of the simple word "FORK!"
I started to learn how to live with new little quirks and soon after returning home, I began designing things for my newborn that made life a little more easy. That is when Bubele was born!
Today is the anniversary of my new life. 5 years ago, I was dead. I like to think of it as a second chance and to remember the small, important things in life. As frustrating as my memory can be sometimes... I do have a difficult time recognizing faces which makes social situations a little awkward but it's better than the alternative!
Honestly, this last week has been an extremely difficult one for me. I'm not sure why. It could be the emotional roller-coaster ride of mourning Anthony while planning a birthday party for Evan. But today, I surprisingly feel okay and calm.... as today is the day that I do remember that I am grateful for getting the opportunity to see Dylan and Evan grow up and that I have a purpose. Whether it is do do something great with my little company or to just nurture my boys and raise them to be great men, it is a purpose that I am grateful for having!